Sanctuary

moving

2007-02-20T07:40:00.000-08:00

i love this blog to death, but i'm moving to wordpress.

following the crowd you see. plus my new wordpress blog looks sexy and sleek.

http://tashamotee.wordpress.com

see you there.

longing

2007-02-15T22:23:00.000-08:00

i'll always feel inadequate, no matter what.
i guess that's why everyone has control over me.

there is no way to stop thinking, there is no way to shutdown.
cause if there was a way, i would've shutdown a long time ago.
i don't know why i forget and why i hope. always.

i don't know why i can never learn.

a series of -'s

2007-02-13T17:50:00.000-08:00

she died this evening, i don't know what to do anymore.

i'm so sorry

i hate you for not being here. bye

(call ended).

i hate myself too.

-

and then there is you - thank you. i cannot thank you enough for today. for the lunch, the birthday cake and friends to make this pre-birthday celebration amazing. i was happy for a while. only for a while, sadly.

i'm kinda numb right now. i feel like i faked too many smiles.

-

i think you've lost me. too little, too much. or maybe not at all. who knows, all i know is that i'm not making any sense.

-

i'm sick of trying. but i still am going to. i want to fucking bleed my brains out
right about
now.

slow motion

2007-02-11T18:18:00.001-08:00

help me Stop breathing.

i lose my heart everyday

2007-02-09T11:49:00.000-08:00

i sit and stare
i sit and stare
into the afternoon light that slowly makes its way into my window
with no grace, no love, just silence, command and a rise.
in the cold air that we walk in, where we have no control
i lose my heart everyday
i lose my heart everyday
but you just have words, nothing to lose but words
time ticks on by and new things come our way
you just sit and stare
you just sit and stare
at me even though i'm never there

you're not my definition of home anymore
not anymore, i don't think so

ach

2007-02-08T20:29:00.000-08:00

I took off my glasses
While you were yelling at me once more than once
So as not to see you see me react
Should've put 'em, should've put 'em on again
So I could see you see me sincerely yelling back

Parting Gift - Fiona Apple.

i think i lost my glasses, i can't find them. i feel lighter and incomplete, suddenly.
i hate literature. i love the class, but i hate it more than i love it.

i hate it more than i love it.

hum toh lut gaye, kharey hi kharey.

2007-02-05T18:17:00.000-08:00

i miss all those images. i play those smiles in my head all the time. it had nothing to do with me, but i was a part of it and i'm happy i was. i want it for myself someday, and i hope i do have that picture to take. to keep. for myself. for the world to see, the way i saw my inspiration at the age of 9 of two people in love.

always, always.

but the world destroyed you, i was a part of that world. and i'm sorry, i was little and had i known any better i would never have listened to what they said.
just don't let the world destroy me and my happiness, protect me as you have promised to do so all these years. as a friend, as family, as the person who knows me better than myself, and watched me grow into the person that i am today.

things are changing, and i know where i'm headed. everyone is saying the same thing over and over again and it's scary. everyday, everytime i make that face, they all say the same thing. heh.

iss tarhan phir roshni kaisay hamesha rahey?

architects and stress get married at an early age.

2007-02-05T18:09:00.000-08:00

joe says architects are religious when it comes to three things
a) alcohol
b) smoking
c) cursing

it's either all three or just one/two out of the list.

gregory says they do drugs too.
this semester i've ended up cursing like insane. and i kinda think i'll start smoking towards this semester, or something like that.

so much stress. bakwaas indeed.

thursday afternoon

2007-02-01T20:01:00.000-08:00

somwhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience, your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
comples me witht the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

- e.e. cummings, 1931.

heh.

cranky bitch day.

2007-01-31T15:12:00.000-08:00

"i can read women. but god damn you woman, you're all over the place. if i could read you i'd be god"
-David Flecha.

yeah

2007-01-29T20:43:00.000-08:00

i don't know why. there is no medium, no translation whatsoever.

no one can see, and i can never show until it's meant to be. how do i connect, how do i get this all across with having to explain what i see?

i don't think anyone will ever understand or be able to see what i see.

they're just images. they'll erase themselves after while.
yeah images tend to lose patience while in the waiting line.

timestamp 2:20

2007-01-26T20:04:00.000-08:00

Start again

Oh you're breaking my heart again

Don't ask me to start
Ask me to start
Just don't ask me to start again
Start again

Breaking My Heart - Aqualung

your words are full of pain, but your music makes me smile.

lets go

2007-01-24T20:01:00.000-08:00

I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em' out to Spain

Boston - Augustana

forget spain. it wasn't even on the list. but when you asked me about going back the other day and how it would be, i said it would be nice. but now i've been thinking and i think it'd be great. we should go. i haven't been back in so long, i kinda miss that place. lets go.

lets runaway now.

new semester, new begining anyone?

2007-01-23T07:41:00.000-08:00

it's freezing outside, so fucking cold i think i'll just die for no reason. am starving, stomach is making funny noises - i think it's the 3 sips of grapefruit juice talking. oh whatever.

second day of school, and everything is going great mashAllah. so there is this kid oustside smoking with a million piercings on his face. looks like a freaking human pin cushion. tuesdays are going to be miserable days this semester.
imagine getting home monday from design class at 10:45 ot later and then waking up at 6am to get out of the house by 7:30 so that you can safely land your ass in a 9am history class? for three hours?

heres to losing sleep.

i had alot of other things to write about, but i am lazy.

i don't think its your fault either

2007-01-17T20:02:00.000-08:00

black coffee, half empty cup. she threw her white diamonds in the trash and white pearls on the sidewalk. beauty needs to be thrown out into the cold to be saved by some warmth. this green tint in the air holds promises for the future, but who knew what the day would bring?

today i felt a feeling unlike i have felt before. and honestly it scares me.

i want to go back to yesterdays pink sunset and cold wind.

26F - you can't afford to lie

2007-01-16T19:49:00.000-08:00

You'll never see the courage I know
Its colors' richness won't appear within your view
I'll never glow - the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgements made on you

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch; I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still too proud to mention - to you

You'll say you understand, but You don't understand
You'll say you'd never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie

You'll never touch - these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You'll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown - to you

You'll say, Don't fear your dreams, it's easier than it seems
You'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you can't afford to lie

You'll never live the life that I live
I'll never live the life that wakes me in the night
You'll never hear the message I give
You'll say it looks as though I might give up this fight

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights
I realize what I am now too smart to mention - to you

You'll say you understand, you'll never understand
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why
I don't know what to believe in, you don't know who I am
You'll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie

Neverr Is A Promise - Fiona Apple

too much love

2007-01-14T18:51:00.000-08:00

the little one has a garfield tummy - serious ab work needed. hahahah
much love to the chota baby.

flickr lalala

2007-01-13T15:19:00.000-08:00

summer in the city/all vintage skirts sway with the wind and erase sadness

2007-01-12T11:09:00.000-08:00

Summer in the city, I'm so lonely lonely lonely
I've been hallucinating you, babe, at the backs of other women
And I tap on their shoulder and they turn around smiling
But there's no recognition in their eyes

Summer In The City - Regina Spektor

(uh yeah, i know it sounds weird)

took this in the summer of 06, while attending the cooper photography classes. yes mahnoor i know you're scandalized. watch out for yourself hahahahahah.

she smiles...

2007-01-11T20:57:00.000-08:00

My love, she leans into me
This most assuredly counts
She says most assuredly

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh
I'll look after you

Look After You - The Fray

$3

2007-01-10T15:16:00.001-08:00

so this is sad :(

sniffles

life is like grapefruit juice

2007-01-08T16:13:00.000-08:00

it rained for twelve hours straight, the wind walked by cold. soon the sun came out and found me a little bit of the year before the last.

i sat on a green carpet one day and wrote. the month of july when the air was warm and humid, i wrote - i never followed through. a year and a half later, they are people in the city rushing, filling empty spaces that they see ahead of them and forget about the emptiness behind until they start over the next day.

where are the promises you made to yourself? i suppose i'm better off not following through.

i wear socks before going to bed and they keep my feet warm. in the morning its a fuzzy feeling.

but life is like grapefruit juice - lemony pink and bitter.

for my low and your high

2007-01-07T18:11:00.000-08:00

dearest child, where do you plan to fall down? the weird self is tapping her foot impatiently.
yellow cloudy day, with a streak of maroon-peaches spinning across the sky - feet dangling from the bed as the cold air comes in.
dearest child, your hair is a mess. the clock is ticking, time ticks on by. the front door will not open, the front door will not....

open and let you in.

raise your hand if you feel okay standing weak in the blinded patterns of broad daylight.

yes dearest child, that is how you let go.

it's a beautiful day.

2007-01-06T15:16:00.000-08:00

today is a beautiful day.
no really it is.
:) :) :) :) :) :)

thank you.

what happened to the unlimited minutes phone plan?

2007-01-04T18:57:00.000-08:00

okay so this feels kinda odd.

something died today, so effortlessly it just died in me. soon i'll forget and go through this again...

today something died in me. in one random second, just a passing glance - i realized. i can't freeze time. i can't do anything, i'm not the person to do it. cause if i was, i wouldn't have to go through this. things would've been different.

yeah it's really scary.

see thats the problem. i forget. just like that, it's... gone.

with or without

2007-01-02T14:33:00.000-08:00

with given grace follow your bliss.
with or without truth, in rooms with restricted light - there is slow and dark movement without definition.
they are desires to burn the very ground you walk on, and sing without sound.
we all wanted something from nothing, so we chased after it - like the wind through empty streets, empty play grounds with empty hearts.
history repeats itself in only two numbers, starting at 1 ending at 0.
in red she sits and stares, smiles? no she's lost. in the dim light, the candle light there are stares from every corner of the room. soon flash throws off all balance of silence.

where were we again?

how the starry night lost its echo, how the sound of metropolis got so loud to bear? no one knows. floating embers fell in rainbow colors, they fell and hit the ground. they lost their innocence to black. they lost. it was not their fault.
blame it on the girls..
in white that dance
in perfect rhythm
content
in sadness that is grey with blank stares
lips are parched and words are not heard
brown hair in loose curls and autumn leaves
fallen
where is your compassion?

baarish tumharey haath pe girti rahi
magar iss raat kai andheray main roshni khamosh hai
baarish tumharey haath pe girti rahi
aur hum khamoshi se chaltey rahey
baarish tumharey haath pe girti rahi
aur lakeeron mein samati rahi

they hum and spin in circles.

2007

2006-12-31T18:40:00.000-08:00

here we are yet again, at a crossroad. no one can go back, we all must move forward. none of us have a choice and if given so, we'd still drag our feet in the direction where the crowd is going. no one wants to get trampled to death, everyone just wants to get this all over with. this year has gone by fast. i don't know why and i don't know how. perhaps in being pre-occupied with 'the things to do today' i fell into a holding pattern and lost sense and awareness of ever having the option of 'not having to do anything'.

this year people were found, friendships were solidified, people came and people left and i stayed here. here in my space, in this city where i can only tell how it is and no one can actually know how it is, it's all a biased view. freshmen year, made a couple of good friends, that sums up the semester - heh.

i walked my longest walks this year. with good music and voices in my head, i walked and thought alot for no reason. i have defined each memory with a certain lyric, a certain rise in music and a certain tone of voice. this year i have had roller coaster days, unlike before.

in 2 hours it'll be a new year. the clock will strike 12 and it will rain confetti. champagne bottles will rain happiness, cameras will flash every microsecond, strangers will hug and kiss each other. and the next morning sad souls will clean the streets and collect all the colorful confetti full of happiness and decorate their bedroom walls. color will save them, and no one will know who died and why. colors will lie for people, and in doing so mysteries will remain and then be forgotten.

pictures taken on this night will be stored, archived and those of us who missed all the celebrations will wish to have been there. to have screamed and lost our voices in the outburst of such happiness, such eagerness to the end of year moving on to a new begining - it's just another number. it's just in our heads. time is stale.

all of you right where you are, from right where i am - we will just rely on static, and other mediums devoid of emotion. in the end i'll just pray for more strength, because it's never enough. i'll just pray that time goes by quickly.

in the end i'll just pray that this really does last.

happy new year everyone, be good :)

eid mubarak!

2006-12-30T16:28:00.000-08:00

eid mubarak everyone. lalalala :)

apparently we all like to celebrate eid over a span of eight days or so m says. oh for the love of everything holy, yeh wali eid toh atleast celebrate it with Makkah. it's the most definite eid ever, definite prescribed date and all that jazz. haan so made all the necessary phonecalls back home (almost) and woke everyone up at 3am. muahahahaha. have walked around in sweats the entire day and took care of laundry. so it's snowing in boston and its warm here, it's so unholy. went out a couple of times and got weird stares from people because i was wearing flip flops. yaar, it's the 30th of december, and so bloody warm with no sign of snow - not that i want it to snow.

everyone at home except me is sick. three people have the flu while the little one has a horrible cough. i haven't been sick at all since i got here. i feel left out.

so i'm going to go and eat ice-cream now.

hundred - the fray

2006-12-26T21:28:00.000-08:00

so this song is the new love of my life. i hate how it makes me feel, but am still listening to it. heh, i know i'm not making any sense.

The how I cant recall
But im staring at
What once was the wall
Separating east and west
Now they meet admidst
The broad daylight

So this is where you are
And this is where I am
Somewhere between
Unsure and a hundred

Its hard I must confess
Im banking on the rest to clear away
Cause we have spoken everything
Everything short of I love you

You right where you are
From right where I am
Somewhere between
Unsure and a hundred

And who's to say its wrong
And who's to say that its not right
Where we should be for now

So this is where you are
And this is where I am
So this is where you are
And this is where ive been
Somewhere between
Unsure and a hundred

-

after talking to a friend this afternoon i realized it will never be worth it to pursue something i could not change. so i will wait for when the time is right and hopefully it will all turn out for the best. for better or for worse.

till then i'll always be "somewhere between unsure and a hundred" and nothing can change that. and now the feeling of letting go is allowing me to smile.

i'm safe in my world now.

sun in the sky, you know how i feel.

2006-12-25T21:37:00.000-08:00

unfortunately i don't feel that way sweetheart, i really don't.

and it's sad that i don't.

goodbye

2006-12-25T15:30:00.000-08:00

i said goodbye today. it was long overdue.

i won't be posting on Photographic Sanctuary*
anymore. and now will officially be posting here:-

http://www.flickr.com/photos/natashajahangirbutt/

merry christmas everyone :)

did you lose your faith in human feeling?

2006-12-23T18:54:00.000-08:00

i'd say it you know. i'd really fucking say it.
if i only had the courage.

but since i don't, things are different. they'll be this different always. always.

and honestly, i'm praying and not praying for the courage.
cause i'd be a fool to say it.

i know, i know. it's just for a couple of days.

'i'll just keep hoping'

2006-12-22T20:16:00.000-08:00

Hira.- so, so homesick. says: (11:16:29 PM)
you know what i really want to see? just once in my lifetime even?

natasha jahangir | did you lose your faith in human feeling? says: (11:16:36 PM)
what?

Hira.- so, so homesick. says: (11:16:45 PM)
a happily married couple

Hira.- so, so homesick. says: (11:16:51 PM)
married for a decade at least

Hira.- so, so homesick. says: (11:17:07 PM)
that'd be fun to watch

natasha jahangir | did you lose your faith in human feeling? says: (11:17:27 PM)
yeah i'd like to see that also, and not just artificial smiles

Hira.- so, so homesick. says: (11:17:33 PM)
yeah

Hira.- so, so homesick. says: (11:17:42 PM)
people who love each other

Hira.- so, so homesick. says: (11:17:54 PM)
who've loved each other for years and years

natasha jahangir | did you lose your faith in human feeling? says: (11:18:25 PM)
frankly speaking i don't think that exists

Hira.- so, so homesick. says: (11:18:34 PM)
it might just

Hira.- so, so homesick. says: (11:18:39 PM)
i'll just keep hoping

and so it is..

2006-12-21T07:19:00.000-08:00

desired but not essential?

um, yeah.

in my head,
it's all in my overcrowded head.

and we're not looking back, not looking through the glass windows where tinted sunshine does not come through with ease. we're not looking at each other, we're just here.

icy cold night

2006-12-18T20:17:00.000-08:00

chand magar waisa hi hai,
taarey thay jo
toot gaye...

this is just a line from like this title song of a drama 'tum kahan hum kahan' on geo. anybody watch it? the girl died man. i mean how sad. drama bhi khatam hogaya. next on my list to watch is 'aakhir kab tak'. don't know when it starts but whatever. i kinda miss watching all this drama tension. much love to nani for reviving the old 'drama watching' spirit in us this summer.

lost earring

2006-12-17T19:33:00.000-08:00

this is a sad picture, well there is much sadness behind it. i had both earrings when i took this picture on saturday, but on tuesday i lost one of them. i blame it on david for making me walk so much. and i blame the wind, and i blame all the forces against me and all my lovely earrings. this the second pair of earrings that got ruined.

yes i'm very sad.

-

i have a math final tomorrow, i'm scared but so veryvery happy at the same time. it's 10:39pm and for now everything is just right. i hope this feeling lasts for a while. i hope i go through the week smiling, like i am today. like i am right now.

:)

dar se dikha ja, shaam re. beautiful.

2006-12-15T18:40:00.000-08:00

i'm blogging three times a day, heh.

it's odd. i find it suprisingly odd why i'm so hooked on this song. my brain is now spiral and has fallen into a miserable holding pattern.
she sings with such pefection and the music is just so addicting it feels something like home, wherever it is.

satao na tum aisay piya, main hoon teri buss teri

saanson main basa tera naam re

jadoo tunay aisa kiya

and if anyone asks me if i'm in love or something like that i will kill you. i am the undying source of angry/sappy/angsty music so let me be.

today i missed the most beautiful sunset, a sunset i had been waiting for ever since the start of fall. it was beautiful, sad and exactly how i thought it would be. the sky was painted in red-peach-purple and my camera was with me, but i could never have captured that moment. fences, cars, branches and highways blocked it all. the only beautiful sunset i ever saw in my nine years in pakistan was driving through nathiagali back to abbotabaad where everything about that city was beautiful. the city lights, the air, how close, crystal clear and painfully beautiful the stars looked. the long 'staying up the whole night till 5 am' talks. i don't know when i'll go back. i'd go back just to see the sky again. just for that.

a couple of days ago, after a bizarre dream i realized that words don't change anything, they don't make time go by any faster, they don't make people come back or you go to them. they're just some words said. thats why promises are easily broken. hearts are easily broken, because.....i don't even know what i was going to say. mamoo, i sometimes don't understand him, don't know what he's going through. it's so sad how all the people i have something with are so faraway. i have started to hate the phone, emails and msn. how much can you rely on this medium, its just better when you're in the same house, same city and you actually see the other persons face to know what/how they're feeling/saying, as oppossed to just voices, and written words and emoticons. it's a disease to be emotionally dependent on so many people. and realizing that you need them more than they'll ever need you and if they ever do need you one day, you can't be there because thats the way it's suppossed to be i guess - fate and all that crap. all of it is heartbreaking sometimes, but you ignore that fact because you cannot help yourself, you just can't deal with it. i'm not ashamed of it, but i'm not proud of it either. i envy people who can deal.

i'm sorry but who said the dil chahey video was great? i think it's just very ordinary. i just saw it on geo for the first time abhi, so yeah. i should take of my shoes, i've been wearing them since 8am, there has to be a limit to laziness, cause this is just insane. no saturday class tomorrow, but alot of math to catch up on. and house cleaning and maybe some portfolio work.

still listening to beloved, third day and counting.

dar se dikha ja, shaam re.

hira love

2006-12-15T17:46:00.000-08:00

natasha jahangir | shaam re says: (5:34:43 PM)
that's an easy outfit :P

Hira. - baby, its cold outside. [blue, so blue] says: (5:34:51 PM)
hahahah natasha

natasha jahangir | shaam re says: (5:34:54 PM)
HAHAHAHAH

natasha jahangir | shaam re says: (5:34:55 PM)
i know :p

natasha jahangir | shaam re says: (5:35:17 PM)
WHAAAAT i thought you could handle this stuff

natasha jahangir | shaam re says: (5:35:28 PM)
oh God, smith has taught you NOTHING

Hira. - baby, its cold outside. [blue, so blue] says: (5:35:31 PM)
you have the soul of a cheap lahori boy who wears skin tight neon orange shirts and stands in liberty market to ogle at girls and sing bollywood songs

-

sigh i love hira. i think i'd die without her.

hmm so

2006-12-15T15:30:00.000-08:00

these past three days have been quite interesting. i liked how they turned out. well except for this evening. it's really annoying when you find out your portfolio sucks (which i never said didn't) and you go through a panic attack in fear of your grade. but last minute meetups and rushing to compusa makes things a little less 'oh God i'm going to die this very minute' like.

tuesday well, since monday was the last day of classes i was technically suppossed to be home studying. like seriously. okay so there i was in the 10th floor computer lab again to help other architecture student(s) and make their life miserable, since mine was such. no no, they wanted my help, since i am glorious and all that. no it's not that either well actually david wanted to get pictures of his fundies models taken and then there was the newspaper meeting which i never went to. instead, i was forced to walk up and down lexington avenue from God knows what street to what all in search of home depot. and voila it appears the home depot has no cement, another three blocks of walking and we finally find a small hardware store and david finally gets the cement to build his model. i guess i shouldn't complain, he did buy lunch so yeah. all is good. also went to the apple store and bought new headphones which were a die hard necessity.

yesterday was just random. writing papers and thinking how severly cripple i am in the english language and in other aspects of life. by the end of the day i was typing incoherent bakwaas while talking to mano. however certain revelations about old school friends, thanks to k just made my day. sigh, i am missing out on all the gossip and fun.

was suppossed to have my english final, but that got postponed to next week so i spent the entire time talking to pretty pretty brenna who was just glowing. apparently her boyfriend broke up with her three weeks ago and she went through a whole 'i'm going to keep myself busy' self-destructive phase. hey man three years is no joke. however they got back together last night. sarah, jasmine and i were just standing there as she said "i took him back' to which we screamed at her for breaking the rules of feminism. oh whatever, she's happy and it's nice to see her that way.

towards the last thirty minutes of the class today, when everybody left, kow (the most adorable malaysian guy ever) dalaina, mr.grey, mr. B and i had a good debate on abortion, world war 1 and 2 and how we all absolutely hate bush. i will absolutely kill kow if he doesn't take english with me next semester.

okay so this maash ki daal that moms friend sent over today is like insanely full of mirchain and what not.

anoushka shankars song beloved saved my life today. and HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO NAUFAL MAMOO!!!!

lalalala

uh oh

2006-12-13T20:19:00.000-08:00

uh yeah, i hate my limewire right now. i want to kill it. and i'm hooked on songs by thievery corporation, and disturbingly on this avril lavigne song also.

i'm here for you
there's nothing you can say
there's nothing you can do
there's no other way when it comes to the truth

Keep Holding On - Avril Lavigne.

talking to k was beyond hilarious today. we have vowed to stay insane with no hope of recovery forever.
grey grey day.

1:33AM dream.

2006-12-12T22:29:00.000-08:00

taarey thay jo
toot gaye..

he says "if so, then one day you won't be worth it anymore"

heh, maybe you're right.

lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off - panic! at the disco.

2006-12-11T22:25:00.000-08:00

Is it still me that makes you sweat?
Am I who you think about in bed?
When the lights are dim and your hands are shaking as you're sliding off your dress?
Then think of what you did, and how I hope to God he was worth it
When the lights are dim and your heart is racing as your fingers touch his skin
I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck
Than any boy you'll ever meet, sweetie, you had me
Girl I was it look past the sweat, a better love deserving of
Exchanging body heat in the passenger seat
No no no, you know it will always just be me

Let's get these teen hearts beating faster, faster!

So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Will you dance to this beat and hold a lover close?
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Will you dance to this beat and hold a lover close?

So I guess we're back to us, so cameraman swings the focus!
In case I lost my train of thought where was it that we last left off?
Let's pick up pick up
Oh now I do recall, we just were getting to the part
Where the shock sets in and the stomach acid finds a new way to make you get sick
I hope you didn't expect to get all of the attention
Let's not get selfish, did you really think I'd let you kill this chorus?

Let's get these teen hearts beating faster, faster!

So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Will you dance to this beat and hold a lover close?
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Will you dance to this beat and hold a lover close?
Dance to this beat
Dance to this beat
Dance to this beat
Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster, faster!
Let's get these teen hearts beating faster

I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck
Than any boy you'll ever meet,sweetie, you had me
Girl I was it look past the sweat, a better love deserving of
Exchanging body heat in the passenger seat
No no no you know it will always just be me

Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster faster!

So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Will you dance to this beat and hold a lover close?
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Will you dance to this beat and hold a lover close?
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Dance to this beat
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Dance to this beat
And hold a lover close
Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster, faster!
Let's get these teen hearts beating faster

-

the most fun song i've heard in a long time. and i love his voice. so so so much love. hahahaha.

and when he sings "sweetie, you had me"

*sigh*

but not today...

2006-12-10T18:14:00.000-08:00

come down now,
but we'll stay...

Such Great Heights - Iron And Wine

and we're okay for a while, as everything changes. fade color, warm and cold. but mostly cold.
it's a little less blurry when you decide to look away and not think about the things make you feel so lost. today doesn't define how you'll feel for rest of your life. it's just wrong that way.

sparkless

2006-12-07T19:40:00.000-08:00

cold, warm
cold, warm
cold, warm
cold, warm
cold, warm

warm, warm.

you know what it kinda sucks. i wish it didn't though. reallyreally.

and i don't recall you having ever laughed, maybe once, but that was a long time ago - it's a little blurry. that makes me wonder sometimes.

i sit here sparkless, help me trace the steps of my fingertips.

when i look back i see....

2006-12-06T17:55:00.000-08:00

ransom notes keep falling at your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling no i don't believe you
you don't care a bit

you don't care a bit

you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit

you don't care a bit

hide and seek - imogen heap

pretty vocals, pretty song. it's truly newyorksubwaylove.

this color thing is naice.

hands are shaking cold and hope is gone.

2006-12-05T14:17:00.000-08:00

it's just one of those days when you decide to leave your hair open and the wind is icy cold, and your hair still makes an effort to look nice. yeah that's the only good thing about this day. monday is the last day of classes, and i don't care.

today is the kind of day where you just want to be angry at everyone, leave randomly while engaged in group conversation, as if you're a victim of a panic attack. walked alone and randomly in the mall today, was peaceful and quiet. warm. i'm still angry for no reason. well not a good reason that is, it's just more of a sulking.

i could leave, but i just won't be brave enough to take that step.

hands are shaking cold and hope is gone from the streets of this city. it becomes harder and harder to walk.
and sometimes the ball just won't bounce back, no matter how much you give and no matter how much you try.

breakdown. beauty. breakdown.

also, happy birthday :). i never got to know you, you left a long time ago. i've heard amazing things about you and everyone misses you so much. it would've been great if you were around.

plans

2006-12-04T20:22:00.000-08:00

i hate it when they make plans. i start to feel happy again, and then it's a hard fall back to sadness.

heh, i never learn.

32 Flavors

2006-12-03T20:48:00.001-08:00

Squint your eyes and look closer, I'm not between you and your ambition. I am a poster girl with no poster, I am thirty-two flavors and then some. And I'm beyond your peripheral vision. So you might want to turn your head, cause someday you're going to get hungry, and eat most of the words you just said

Both my parents taught me about good will, And I have done well by their names, Just the kindness I've lavished on strangers
Is more than I can explain. Still there's many who've turned out their porch lights, Just so I would think they were not home
And hid in the dark of their windows, Til I'd passed and left them alone

And God help you if you are an ugly girl, Course too pretty is also your doom, Cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
For the prettiest girl in the room, And God help you if you are a pheonix, And you dare to rise up from the ash, A thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
While you are just flying back

I'm not trying to give my life meaning, By demeaning you, And I would like to state for the record, I did everything that I could do, I'm not saying that I'm a saint, I just don't want to live that way, No, I will never be a saint
But I will always say

Squint your eyes and look closer, I'm not between you and your ambition, I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some, And I'm beyond your peripheral vision, So you might want to turn your head
Cause someday you might find you're starving, And eating all of the words you said

32 Flavors - Ani Difranco

-

when you speak to your senses looking for answers everything blasts at once and you realize you're not going to get anywhere. and that they're no answers, they weren't any. each sense has lost confidence in speaking on it's own and thus the speak together in fear of rejection. fear drives the mind to come up with strange designs for the structure that is life, that is to be built. and i find myself scared of apologizing for being this way. and so the primary source of fear remains the way it is, in its element, untouched and unchanged.

yeah i am 32 flavors and then some
32 flavors and
then
some.

sirf thori dayr kai liyay.

2006-11-30T18:28:00.000-08:00

it's okay.
i think i'm allowed to feel this way sometimes.

it's okay, it's only me right? it's not like i'll say anything. ever.

silence is loud, too bad you never hear it. there is too much noise in life anyway.

secret little secret..
save draft.
click.

secret little secret..
no one will understand you.

-

ate too much today. feel like throwing up, ugh. but the food was yummy so, yeah. whatever.
too much work, mentally tired. mentallyfuckingtired.

everything looks perfect from faraway.

2006-11-29T22:14:00.000-08:00

then suddenly time decided not to exist.

sometimes the wind here wants you to keep your eyes closed. i listen and do so. i say nothing, because the wind is much louder when passing. there can be no change.

so we live our monochrome lives. i live mine in a place where people look down at the streets from such great heights and i look up and thank God i cannot be seen. i'm happy hiding and sitting here quietly, watching everything pass by.

block, delete.

2006-11-29T07:50:00.000-08:00

I heard you were doing just fine.

I could've gone my entire life without knowing that actually.

Don't send me reminders, I have enough volunteers for that already. I can assure you that I hate you more than you hate me.

yeah I'm sorry I met you. That's the only thing I'm sorry about.

We never fall because we're lonely, we fall because we don't watch where we're going.

It's a different story now.

16

2006-11-27T20:17:00.000-08:00

it was a certain kind of bitter-sweet misery at 16. airports, cold floors. suddenly how different the air smelled and how it was always raining the day we had to come here. one song on repeat that entire summer, now my mind has no room to associate anything else besides that summer to it. we drove on roads to massachusetts, different little towns. to rhode island for a day. falling asleep as the sun set. that year i woke up to minty cold mornings and saw beautiful evening skies. i had a camera, i just didn't know how to use it.

"and in my heart i see
what you're doing to me
and in my heart i see
just how you wanted it to be"
sweet misery - michelle branch

one day i'll come home, to wherever it maybe at the time and realize that it was not really they way i left it when i closed the door eight hours ago. don't really know how it'll be. where will the keys go, how many steps to climb, how many windows let the sun shine in. how many branches break the smiling moon and how many cars chase after darkness in the presence of light.

eyes are open but thoughts have fallen and buried themselves deep in the ground, in a place where do you not go to after sunset. you just stand outside, lean against this stone wall and pray to Him for a soul returning to sanctuary and for yourself, because you know where you're headed, but you just don't know what happens after you reach your destination.

stephanie sings 'it's brutally just beautiful'

i guess it is, sometimes. somedays. somewhere.

i wonder how i'll write about 19. i have a camera, i know how to use it. maybe it'll be different? ihopeso.

one last time, a few more months and then it's goodbye.

2:33 onwards, it's perfect. it's a face that smiles in sadness.

moti-vating.

2006-11-27T05:48:00.000-08:00

it's 8:44 frikkin AM and i am bored bored and hungry and just being all whiny. too bad no one will uthayofy my nakhras. must make an intezaam for that. haye i miss urdu. even though i am the master of ruining it.

xavier says: (8:43:08 AM)
what do you call a fat woman waiting at a bus stop?
natasha jahangir | It's brutally just beautiful. says: (8:43:17 AM)
i don't know
xavier says: (8:43:29 AM)
moti-vating

okay so this kid is insane. and he's the only one actually online who i'm having a somewhat decent random conversation with. and we all know he's pointing at the fatness that is me in this little conversation. ullu ka patha hai.

yaar bhook lag rahi hai.

empty handed

2006-11-25T21:05:00.000-08:00

and its only me.

yeah it'll always be me.

pretty easy isn't it?

----

yeah so, i've made a habit of walking around like a bum. and i'm pretty proud of it. i'm sitting in this hotel room, with nothing to do. so i take a walk in the hallway, for the heck of it. in my brown sweatpants and my highschool t-shirt, and i am happy. i am content with my hair all not so neatly tied up, i feel like walking barefoot, but i can't so i won't. no wait, i actually could've, but whatever. exactly 12 people online, all are away. even i'm away. yeah we're all so cool being away. the away people.

lalalalala so so bored in my head. nothing to do and just so so bored. last time i came here was in july for a wedding, and all the trees were green, and the summer breeze was nice. i wanted to stay here then. but now it's all cold, all black and grey. the trees are like skeletons and it's sad. makes me sad because i see this beautiful things and i want to take picture but the car is moving, and i'm not in the mood to go through appropriate shutter speeds, and aperture settings to get the picture right, when in actuallity i couldn't have gotten it right anyway since i'm in a bloody moving car for crying out loud. so yeah, moving on and complaining some more, too little time and too much beauty. so i'll do what Degriff once said -

"There will be times when you will be in the field without a camera. And, you will see the most glorious sunset or the most beautiful scene that you have ever witnessed. Don't be bitter because you can't record it. Sit down, drink it in, and enjoy it for what it is!" - DeGriff

i have my music to remind me of this. i have my music to remind me of everything i want to be reminded of, not reminded of at the very same time.

so this house i went to, there was much talk about trips to pakistan. and i sat there, wishing to go back.
i sat there wishing not to go back at the same time also. i sat there going through different stupid thoughts in my head.

ohbloodyhell i can't take it anymore. suck the oxygen out of my brain now, please.

border house

2006-11-25T13:44:00.000-08:00

i am here in rhode island, also known as 'ocean state'. and well, okay wait! i'm not really in rhode island, i'm in massachusetts which i believe is known as 'lighthouse state' (i'm not so sure) somewhere here in north attleboro. but the point is this place i'm going to tonight, my cousin's in-laws have their house in a pretty neat place cause its like, their front yard is in masschusetts and their backyard in rhode island. i think that's so cool.

evening has seeped into the afternoon and the sky is pretty. from a light blue, to a lighter violet, and finally into a smooth orange-ish tone. and voila, the moon is out. finally i get to see the moon with out crappy branches in the way (as in the case of my my bedroom window) and i don't have a TRIPOD. NO NO NO NO. sigh
i want to take a picture of the moon Goddammit! and no it won't come out that well without the tripod, the moon is hard to keep in focus, especially if you don't have a good zoom lens, which is the problem in my case. 17-85mm is not so pretty anymore. i will raise a fund in my glorious name and but a 50-200mm wala.

the moon is smiling and i am smiling too.

pink shoes

2006-11-24T08:20:00.000-08:00

these are the shoes hanan got me this spring. wore them for the first time on wednesday, God they killed me. but they are so pretty, lalalala :D

you

2006-11-23T15:03:00.000-08:00

you write like yesterday and create perfect mirror images. you talk like tomorrow with perfectly proved theories. i quietly read, and i quietly listen. and somewhere in all my paying attention to you, this present that i've stepped into, i'm trying to find out what i'm capable of.

everything has slowed down now, for a while it has been this way.

so far i've come up with zilch.

me, myself and i are heading for a brick wall and i'm doing nothing about it.

i've never wanted to be this way, last year i knew i'd be different. i even wrote about it, so here i stand a little more happy, a little more confused, a little more scared. things have changed and it's a little unnerving sometimes. for the many people who say 'i think too much' - yes i do. force of habit, a miserable force of habit on my part. i feel awkward apologizing for it.

today is thanksgiving and it's cold and i feel like this is the first time i'm experiencing winter here. in denial i am, in denial i shall remain - just for a while i promise. i was going to write happy thoughts about cold feet that went to watch 'happy feet' (for the love of God i walked from 92nd street to 69th in the bloody rain and my shoes-socks-feet got wet. please remind me next time not to be so naujawan and try this again). and how on my way out of the theatre i walked a block to the train station because it was too hard to walk all the way back, too rainy, too cold and i wasn't dressed right for this icy reception (feet were numb and that's a sad way to go). down in the dark and dampness of the subway station the little sister and i found ourselves trying to tap dance, our own little version of happy feet. without the snow, in the subway but with the cold.

i have places to show you, remind me to write them down so that i don't forget them. they are places from where you see the sunset, the park, the dancing lights and ordinary people of every wrapper walk by. they are the trains we must ride where my thoughts are at their most original. they are songs that must be walked to and made memories with, buildings that must be deciphered. they are pictures that must be taken. there is alot to be done.

there is alot that must be known. and i guess you've known that all along, and i love you with all my heart for it.

wintersong

2006-11-22T17:21:00.000-08:00

we're on our way back. it's a grey, sad grey and cold day. not for you both but for me, i still smile my way through it all, only until we catch the train back. i rest my head on your shoulder.

'what happened'

'nothing i'm just tired'

'no you look depressed'

'oh God, don't be silly, i'm just tired. these shoes are killing me'

you go back to looking through all the pictures in my camera, pointing out how funny that one is, how funny this one is.
i feel the urge to start screaming and crying because i just have to do it. i need to get it out, though it'll change nothing. but they are people here, i'm not alone. they are strange faces and strange eyes that do not understand, they do not wish to understand, it's not their job. so i close my eyes and try to sleep for a while, with my head still on your shoulder.

we get of at 36th and say goodbye to our little high-schooler.

'what the hell is wrong with you'

'nothingggg, i'm just tired'

'shut up and tell me already'

i tell you. in random order, i don't make any sense and i tell you. but you understand and finally i feel like there is some common ground, like finally somebody understands, after two years of living in this concrete mess, this place that is nothing like home i turn to you and you listen. soon you get off at your stop and ask me to call you. and we both know i won't call. you leave, and i play my winter song. and last years november comes alive. you get off two stops earlier than i do. but the last train stop is mine, mine to keep. i know the people there, who greet me with warm smiles, everyday. i walk in shoes that are killing me but you gave them to me and they're pretty. the sound that they make, echo through the entire station, everyone turns to see me walk, and i hate the look. i wish the shoes were quieter, but you say fashion must make a statement, must make noise, must make people look. and so i walk with my look, and i walk with the noise. i walk home blank, cause my feet know the way.

i come home, and it's colder than the outside. it starts to rain and i wish for snow flurries.

snow please, even though this year i don't want winter. just snow.

thank you for today. these have been a long 4 weeks.

a bad dream

2006-11-22T17:09:00.000-08:00

Dearest Lord I think it's about time now.

The sunset won't show.

And all this screaming will not just stop.

See this is what happens when you change all your passwords and get mad at the website for not accepting your old password.

Seriously, koyi haal nahee'n hai.

I mean who writes 4 posts in one day, let alone 20 mins? It's like hopelessly leading a random life. Most of it being 'Save as Draft'

bohat hogaya

2006-11-21T11:08:00.000-08:00

that's it man, enough is enough.

i've decided to go bald.

buss.

history has a way of repeating itself.

2006-11-20T07:28:00.000-08:00

ever have the feeling, that gut feeling that something bad is going to happen? the kind of feeling that wakes you up at night and you don't know why, when and how it's all really suppossed to be? you ignore it and fall back to sleep.
three missed calls and an urgent sms later i wake up and find that history has repeated itself. we're all back to square one but with different players this time, a different game. the same outcome.

they both ask me 'you do believe me right?'

'i'm choosing not to believe anyone this time'

when secretly i do believe one of them. and it's the most horribe feeling in the world.

but this time being faraway from you all, is recovery enough. is selfish enough.

for the boston roads i have not seen in 10 years/soul searcher

2006-11-18T19:44:00.000-08:00

little one, you're long gone now.
i'm sorry i never came to see you.
i'll regret it for the rest of my life.
i wish you could've taken me with you.
little one, i love you, we all loved you.
we'll always remember you.

(09/26/06)

little baby wonder, for your soul that wasn't meant to be found.

Maryam Fawad
5th November 2006 - 18th November 2006.

when autumn leaves start to fall

2006-11-17T15:13:00.000-08:00

(11/09/06)

but i miss you most of all
my darling
when autumn leaves
start to
fall

whoever wrote autumn leaves is a genius, along with nat king cole, natalie cole and eva cassidy etc who've sung this song so so beautifully.

-

enough of pictures and beautiful songs. today was such a fucked up day. one mistake, ONE STUPID MISTAKE. WHY WHY CAN I NOT THINK?

raat ko ajeeb si thand hoti hai.

2006-11-16T10:56:00.000-08:00

it's like death here right now.

like death is here to stay. halfway through this paper, i can't write anymore, but stare out the window from the 10th floor. where all the color is safe under the grey sky.

it's grey and it only gets darker, the winds only get stronger and it only gets colder.

newspapers and leaves are flying around. they're the only things that make me smile.

thursdays have a habit of being the same week after week this year.

aap toh hamesha sai aisay hain, aapkay toh koyi farz hi nahee'n hain. jaisay bhi ho, khush raho.

sorry letters.

2006-11-15T19:08:00.000-08:00

dear baba,
happy birthday. i'm sorry for today. it won't happen again, i've started to forget the little things ever since college started. i hope you realize i always lie to you whenever i say i can't find my shoes, when you ask me why i'm wearing your shoes.
they're big and comfy. please don't ever throw them away. once again i'm sorry.

dearest k
haven't i told you this before. if you ever do listen to me, then please for the love of God, do something. looking back i've realized i never really was there, when things went wrong. i'm really sorry. pray i come back soon.

dearest s
i just want to slap you for being a silly girl (cause i haven't beaten up any of you for years). i miss you much. come back again next summer. pleaseplease.

dearest m
i'm sorry we don't talk anymore. or that we hardly talk. i've sort of lost faith in you, and the truth is that i'm not sorry about it at all. i don't what went wrong, or if i said something. i don't know where you felt the need to go your way and keep us all in hiding. i don't know what you're doing. and everytime we do talk, i want to scream at you.

this list could go on.

nothing really matters.

2006-11-15T17:50:00.000-08:00

crop circles in your hand, i don't think you'd understand.
spinning around and then standing still, dizzy in not knowing the fears of tomorrow.
it's raining now, and it's slowly getting cold. the world doesn't want to you see, the life beyond the horizon that you try to measure every morning.

as you go for everything, this will all come back to nothing.

grey in imaginary vienna

2006-11-13T20:29:00.000-08:00

i'm not so sure about this song anymore. it has a strange effect on me, can't quite figure it out. angry, sad, happy, feeling blessed all at the same time.

ever watched those new york based movies and they show a scene with an overcast day and newspapers flying high in the air? extremely windy, people trying to keep their balance, and then running underground or inside for cover? as i sat in math today i saw newspapers fly around, synchronized. all grey, for the first time. i let my eyes follow through columbus circle focusing on broadway. waited patiently for the elevator to go down. agitated and wanting to get out into the grey. it was hard to walk, especially when you hate walking against or with the wind, it doesn't work either way. this song is playing again, i stare and feel stale. i remember how the start of summer looked like, and how the air smelled. i wait for the signal, so i can walk and get away from all this. then as the light turns green, cars drive by to the words

there's really no way to reach me
there's really no way to reach me
there's really no way to reach me
cause i'm already gone

and just like that, the roads clear up for us to walk. i catch my train and i know i'm already gone away leaving behind, something that can never truly be left behind.

autumn in new york.

2006-11-12T18:17:00.000-08:00

(11/09/06)

central park is slowly dying. soon it'll snow over and it'll be a long wait for spring.

p.s i hope we walk in a picture like that. someday.

this could just disappear.

2006-11-11T10:16:00.000-08:00

to drown in a used up deathwish, why don't you tell me that this could just disappear. it'd be nice if you help me understand. then i won't have to wait in line to find out that what i find out eventually won't be worth knowing at all.

have been listening to 'tracking treasure down' by gabriel and dresden on repeat since yesterday afternoon. there are random eyes watching from the outside as i sit here the library, on this saturday afternoon. today's class was about represesting motion in drawings. using a compass we were to show motion. i'm showing a kid doing cartwheels. while talking to anthony about increments he felt the need to tell me

'this is not rocket science, make it simple.'

reminded me of something and i ended up laughing hysterically. we all laughed. and we all realized that the hardest thing is to just start. it's like walking, once you start you're bound to get somewhere, even if it means walking in a circle and arriving to the point where you started from.

"at the same time, you keep tracking treasure down" - gabriel and dresden

take what's mine and throw it all away.

2006-11-09T20:37:00.000-08:00

that's it, keep on going. i'm listening only because i have no choice. you'll lose me soon enough, you'll realize that you never gave me a choice but to leave everything behind. you'll never realize that you're wrong, and never realize that i'm right, even if it's just a little.

for now i'll take the wrong and erase my right. the truth is, you never knew me and now, you never will. you don't deserve to know me. no this is not love on your part. it couldn't be. and slowly i'll get over your guilt trips. soon, i won't be here anymore. and then you can go and cry about it. and remember one by one what everyone said, and how you ignored it all, right infront of me. things that mattered to me the most, you dismissed. heh, i hope you have your peace at the end of the day.

i know i don't.

sathiya - arooj aftab

2006-11-07T08:24:00.000-08:00

aapkay chehray pe, roshni thori kam hai aaj
aapkay chehray pe, roshni thori kam hai aaj
kuch na kahain gaye, ab chup rahein gaye
par
mainay sub
sun liya hai

aapkay chehray pe, roshni thori kam hai
aapkay chehray pe, roshni thori kam hai aaj

kaisay sahoon iss doori ko?
faasla toh jahan ka hai
waqt ka na koi hisaab
dil mera toot raha hai

sathiya, sathiya
sathiya, chut na jaye tera haath
sathiya

aapkay chehray pe, muskarahat hai
aankhein kyun meri, bhar aachuki hain?

aapkay chehray pe, roshni hamesha rahey

-

beautiful song :)

http://myspace.com/aroojsmusic

baby wonder

2006-11-06T18:38:00.000-08:00

hello little one :)

we all have been waiting for you to come this world. but the way you came has left us all numb and in tears because none of us ever dreamed that this would happen to you. your mom, dad and i had made many plans, all of us excited and cute about a new baby. a little baby with tiny hands, tiny samosa-like feet and a pretty smile to light up the dullest of days. i haven't seen you but i'm sure you're beautiful, actually i know you are. as i said we all had made many plans. i've been an apa, khala but never a phupo and the idea of it all sounds so exciting. i may live faraway from you, but i cannot wait to be there whenever i can to play with you and spoil you. to teach you high-fives, how to bite cheeks, to see you wrinkle your nose after your first sip of soda and talk to you in cute cartoon voices, to take your pictures like there is no tomorrow, and then to teach you my name. please don't let go. please don't. please stay. i promise to come and see you soon. i really can't wait to see you. you're always in my prayers, always.

all the love in the world
tasha phupo.

i'm scared.

let go - frou frou

2006-11-06T06:18:00.000-08:00

drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

it gains the more it gives
and then it rises with the fall
so hand me that remote
can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow

such boundless pleasure
we've no time for later now
you can't await your own arrival
you've 20 seconds to comply

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

-

oh yeah, photoblog's been updated. click Photographic Sanctuary*

look after you - the fray.

2006-11-05T11:13:00.000-08:00

If I don't say this now I will surely break
As I'm leaving the one I want to take
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh
I'll look after you

There now, steady love, so few come and don't go
Will you won't you, be the one I always know
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh
I'll look after you

If ever there was a doubt
My love she leans into me
This most assuredly counts
She says most assuredly

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you

It's always have and never hold
You've begun to feel like home
What's mine is yours to leave or take
What's mine is yours to make your own

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh

spin

2006-11-04T18:35:00.000-08:00

so what if he's singing in the background, i can still hear what you're saying. and if your heart is breaking, remember all those years of walking. it kinda seems okay to want nothing in the begining, but as you get to the end you realize what you've been missing.

if i don't remember word for word, i still know what you meant. there are things bigger than this, but to small for us to see. doesn't mean that they don't exist, it just means we choose to be free, from a certain reality. i haven't walked casually in a long time, always hurrying to get to my destination, calculating in my head, trying to analyze the outcome of every step south, east, north or west from the last step i took. if ever i said something wrong, i'd go back to figuring out my mistake and then pay less attention to the present. more mistakes, multiple calculations and eventually a big screw up so neatly composed into the living and breathing life that is me. move one hair strand out of place and everything comes crashing down.

painted yellow streets

2006-11-02T12:57:00.000-08:00

it's thursday as the last post said it would be. i'm giving the last post much authority, how utterly random. i'm wearing the wrong shoes again, yes i refuse to learn. i'm in the library and i should be on my way to pearl in chinatown to get art supplies for my visualization project due on saturday. i think i just failed my economics midterm. i seriously don't get it, actually my professor is a nigerian nut (no offense to the nigerians, i think they're lovely people, except for this one particular guy/professor).

yeah so i should be on my way to chinatown, but it's cold outside. oh God, suddenly my heads playing the rod stewart version of 'baby it's cold outside' why does that man try his best to sing in an american accent, he has a tedency to ruin the classics sometimes. 'what a wonderful world anyone'? don't even get me started. okay so enough about rod stewart, i'm going to focus on the distraction that is this whole fleet/flood/whattheheckever of yellows cabs passing by. that's the problem here at columbus circle, broadway is so narrow here that everything looks like a stampede. people, cabs, buildings - i know i'm not making any sense. the guy on the corner sells awesome chicken over rice, and i'm hungry. and if i could, then i'd walk over to 55th and 6th ave to get the best chicken over rice in manhattan, but for now this guy will have to do.

fuck it i'm going to chinatown and then taking my chicken over rice from the corner here to my english class.

thursdays in new york.

2006-11-01T16:03:00.000-08:00

every thursday is long day. ever since the time changed, time outside of college goes by painfully slow. it should be good, i mean i get more time to do my stuff, and bad because i get so easily distracted. central park is beautiful but it's too windy to walk outside unless it's a complete necessity. i dont want to walk against or with the wind.

i cannot write. i just cannot get my brain to slow down.

i really wish this music that you made wasn't so beautiful, cause i can't get enough of it.

he says 'you live here, don't you realize that, this place is fucking amazing'

'what's there to realize, it's just overcrowded place with tall buildings that we'll eventually have to study or whatever, people who are always in a hurry, high fashion, fastfood and alot of walking trying to escape from the thoughts in your head'

'is that why you walk alot'

'yeah'

'does it help'

'no'

'is it just me or are you really that used to making everything sound so depressing'

'no it's just me, the disease side of me'

'you do realize you're random, right?'

'you've read my facebook profile i see'

tomorrow is thursday. i do realize that this city is amazing, but that realization never lasts for long. i'm sorry.

don't leave me here

2006-10-30T16:25:00.000-08:00

I don't want to look at you right now. Every time you call my name I act like I didn't hear you, because you'll ask me to do something, get something of yours from my room and open your suitcase and make room to fit all your things in. The more I listen to you the less I have of you in my room. So I lie on your bed and let my head dangle from it upside down. It smells of your perfume, it smells of home. And soon it'll be gone, when the sheets are washed and everything is re-arranged. It'll all be gone. Gone

I scan the room and everything is upside down, left to right, top to bottom. It's a little blurry but I still know what's going on. I don't want you to leave, and if you have to, then take me with you. I want to go home, or so I call it to be. Even if it is for all the selfish reasons, i don't care. When you leave, everything will be back to the way it was and I don't want that, because....well I forgot what I was going to say now.

I cannot help but feel angry and unreasonable. I cannot help but feel jealous.

I don't like airports.

This is hard.

cold feet camergirl

2006-10-28T21:31:00.000-07:00

i don't to have eyes at the back of my head to know you're watching me and thinking all those thoughts you've said to me so many times before.

if my pictures are so painful, then don't look at them. don't look at me.
i see the world differently in colors, hues, softness, with my heart safe and in the right place.

you see the world in lines, open spaces, sections and evelvations. i don't need to see your cold pixelated heart anymore.

-

hey you, sometimes i think to myself. mostly i think to myself and wonder if you see things the way i do, or atleast try to.

i'm worried over nothing i guess. or maybe something like this is to small enough to even matter.

one emotion at a time

2006-10-26T19:48:00.000-07:00

college life is entertaining if you want it to be, step out of the crowd or whatever and watch it from the sidelines. heh, you're pretty sure you're a zombie stuck in a rut. or maybe it's just the season of midterms. these days i listen to loud music, and have one song on repeat, the song for now is 'hear me out' by frou frou. helps me focus more. it's disturbing me. i plan to pull off another all-nighter tonight and try to complete my visualization midterm.

i'm so merrily functioning on two hours of sleep and thus have been oddly hyper the whole day. met hanan today and was hyper to the extent of scaring the poor thing. she usually doesn't curse, that's my job but today she couldn't resist.

"okay you're fucking scaring me"

yeah i have that effect on people sometimes.

i'm kinda sleepy now, i think i'll fall asleep at the drawing board. m&ms save me. m&ms get me through the day, honestly they do. they're like i don't know - they just keep me awake.

listening to songs that remind me of bittersweet times in life, are so cruel. my grandmother leaves soon. i shall miss her. too bad i'm not like that guy in oceans eleven, yaar remember that chinese/korean/whatever guy who could fit into small bag and shit? yeah if i could some how pull that off i'd be in pakistan by thursday night. free of cost. muahahaha. i'm so cheap.

save room for my love.

2006-10-23T20:35:00.000-07:00

john legend is the shit for this song.

as happy as this song makes me, there is still enough room for a little unwanted, stupid thoughts to be walking here and there. i was going to write this post a couple of days phelay, but then things got in the way, life got in the way. i only remember a little of what i was originally going to write, the whole sentence structure and stuff. very lilttle i remember, and it's sad. aaj eid hai, not much going on, went to school - okay college.. i went to college for just one class. dressed like a bum i really can't be bothered about anything.

it's getting cold now, winds have changed the way they come and go. it's the kind of wind, breeze or autumn arrival that leaves you numb. you walk and slowly the numbness takes over and soon enough you realize that everything is moving, in slow motion and your feet take you to your destination and you don't even know how you got there. its the kind of wind that leaves you pale, heartbroken and wanting everything you can't have. my mind is blank most of the time, my eyes hurt when i take off my glasses. details ruin everything.

when i talk to k i tell her and ask her one thing, over and over again and all she can say is 'i don't know'. it's not really her job to know, it's not anyone's job really. but i will repeat myself, because i am just that way. a constant repitition and pretty unoriginal. it's the stupidest thing ever. tobah women are so emotional, koi haal nahee'n hai mera. so jazbaati i am.

ab i have to make phonecalls to everyone in pakistan for eid soon. i want mehndi, and i want chooriyan.

eid mubarak, lovely people :)

11th floor secret (Architecture Studio)

2006-10-22T09:28:00.000-07:00

this is wanting out.

this is wanting to not be here sometimes.

i have a calculator in front of me.

2006-10-18T20:10:00.000-07:00

yeah so this calculator infront of me it's silver and....wtf who cares about the calculator.

uh yeah so back to the same old crap, this is life. and regina spektor is so... well when she says "don't be so blue, so blue my love"

it's so fucking amazing. and

"must have been kind to kittens and birds,
In a previous life must have thought happy thoughts... "

yes yes i'm a regina spektor junkie. oh God why this so hard, like seriously why am i surrounded by all this, yeah WHAT IS ALL this paranoia INSIDE OF MY HEAD???

ah confusion, beautiful confusion why do you like to hang out with me. yes misery i'm speaking to you too incase you think i can't see you.

"this too shall pass, this too shall pass"

I Want To Sing - Regina Spektor.

Train Strangers, Stranger Trains.

2006-10-17T19:42:00.000-07:00

Stranger,
Stranger,
Stranger?
Beside me, behind me, in front of me...

Strangers tell me why is it raining? I didn't ask for it to.

Let the rain fall, but why? Why now? Is there something here, in all this chaos when your hands speak a little differently than the rest, telling me to be patient? Wait. How long?

Who am I to stand here and hope to fill in all the empty spaces within these spaces we've created, or that we let be. I cannot count on my own all the words said, or all the hopes and fears felt. There is no sympathy, there is no room, there is just the desire to run.

Run.
Breathe.
Run.

Do you not hear me screaming, when I'm talking?

16th October 2006.

section, and precise details.

2006-10-15T19:28:00.000-07:00

10:22pm -

emptiness? this emptiness could use a little less confusion. this gladness for no reason could use a little more sadness. i'd like to be a little less like me and a little more like no one.

10:25pm -

"if i kiss you where it's sore
if i kiss you where it's sore
will you feel better? better? better?
will you feel anything at all"
- regina spektor.

10:27pm -

H. says:
you listen to very sarra hua music, i've concluded
H. says:
almost exclusively depressing music
natasha jahangir | love is a dangerous pass time - regina spektor says:
i knoooooooowwwww
natasha jahangir | love is a dangerous pass time - regina spektor says:
it's either that
H. says:
i mean, its awesome and everything
H. says:
but WOMAN
Hira. says:
some good cheer and happiness ?
natasha jahangir | love is a dangerous pass time - regina spektor says:
i don't know about happy songs, but i have sad songs that remind me of happy times
natasha jahangir | love is a dangerous pass time - regina spektor says:
or something like that
H. says:
happy songs are about the happiness thats currently existent
H. says:
nostalgia negates the purpose

10:30pm -

today's a mess like a sweet summer mess, sort of stillness wanting to runaway.

10:46 -

this streetlight is bright enough for only a few more steps, a speeding car coming towards you, beautiful motion blur and a half empty cup in your hand. this picture is painful, this picture is grainy. this picture is life.

11:00pm -

i still don't know why. i want to know, but then again...yaar kya hai.

11:07pm -

mom has made me hot chocolate, the cup says
Life is short.
Stay awake for it.

yeah exactly.

tag i'm it

2006-10-14T19:55:00.000-07:00

yes mano thank you, my blog will now seem alive and less boring :D

Today: Saturday October 14th 2006.

height: 5'5" and 3 quarters hahahah.
color: pink
piercing: pierced ears
tattoos: i wish.

Right Now
Time: 11:37pm
Mood: bored/hyper
taste: meethay chawal
the weather: clear night, icy cold wind.
bad habit: falling asleep ALWAYS on the sofa.
current crush: wentworth miller
biggest regret: bah! too many
Perfume(s): jasmine therapy - healing garden.
Thing I want to do: sleep, get rid of boredom and eat something nice, like pizza.

Favourite
TV show: prison break, alias, veronica mars, reba, everybody loves raymond etc.
book: the five people you meet in heaven - mitch albom
non alcoholic drink: sprite
milk drink: hot chocolate and double chocolate chip frappacuinos :D (long live starbucks for making me go broke)
brand:the healing garden (hey they have nice body sprays)
color: black, white, green, red, brown, blue, pink, red.
emblem: the symbol for the breast cancer awareness campaign.
perfume: gardenia - chanel, london - burberry
designer: marc ecko, g-unit, american eagle, etc
Chocolate: cadburys, snickers crunch, lindt, godiva.

Have I Ever
broken the law: who hasn't? hahahaha.
misused credit card: heh, i wish, but sadly no.
skipped school: ofcourse, that would be unholy if i didn't.
fell asleep in the shower/bath: yeah
had children: not that i know of. hahahha *ahem ahem* NO.
been in love: yes
been hurt: definite yes.

Random
have a job: sigh, no - i need money.
My CD player has what in it right now: i have an iPod that doesn't work. but itunes is playing "fidelty - regina spektor"
if I were a crayon, the color? purple
what makes me happy? little things and good conversations.

When/What Was the Last . . .
I got a real letter: it wasn't a letter it was a bunch of cards my friend sent me a couple of months ago.
got an email: yesterday.
thing I purchased: t-shirt.
TV program I watched: top 20 countdown on vh1
movie I saw in the theaters: barnyard (yeah i know i watch kid movies.... blame the monster siblings i live with)
hugged: fatimah this morning.
song heard: Sentimental Reasons, Tenderly, Autumn Leaves - Natalie Cole (it's a jazz phase these days)
place I was [besides home]: new jersey
phone call: called a friend, had to tell her where to meet up.
was depressed: last night and still sorta am but i can still go around saying lalalalalaaaa like Mr. B who is the coolest english professor ever.

What Comes to Mind When I Hear:
car: aston martin
murder: where?
cape: batman
cell: considering the fact that i actually own one now, yes my bootiful silver razr (be jealous mano) i wanted the black one though.
shoe: must go shoe shopping soon.
fun: talking on the phone to fun people. yes always.
crush: wentworth miller, ALL THE WAY.
music: sanity
love: being happy
chalk: fight :D

sigh kisko tag karoon? i'm too lazy. people please tag yourselves. chalo achay bachon ki tarhan.

conversations

2006-10-13T06:12:00.000-07:00

that guy was totally checking me out
ahan *quietly eats lunch*
but you know what when i first talked to him, i felt like i had to pull information out of him
well maybe it was his way of telling you he doesn't wanna talk.
no...it wasn't that, he's just the shy sort. wanna go after him in the library
there is no way i'm leaving my food, you go.

heh, so this is college. the people in bold, being the people i know.

i'm slowly becoming boring and quiet. joy.

ramzan

2006-10-11T18:17:00.000-07:00

Dear God,

i hope you hear me when i ask you all the questions i don't have the answers to.

i wonder sometimes, then slowly realize that it's not worth it and then again go back to wondering.

i've called a number of places home in the past 19 years of this life. it's ramzan, the parents are out for shopping and its raining outside. it's ramzan and the house is quiet, and cold. reminds me of the home i've left behind just recently. it's ramzan and soon it'll be over.

this feels like home for the first time in two years.

thank you.

fairfax, virginia.

2006-10-08T15:42:00.000-07:00

things are slowly getting harder. as simple as it might be the human mind cannot have it that way, something must go wrong, must be made into wrong. however it works, i'm not so sure anymore. it's nice here, quiet and the air is cold and sweet. the roads and sidewalks are cleaner, wider and inviting. even when cars are passing by the roads seem empty. don't know why that is. the people here have friendly faces, friendly voices. i could live here a week and then die, for the quiet would drive me insane.

every song has its little place in the mind. a collection of bittersweet moments, beautiful stares into the open space infront of us, half a second glances, the touch shared with so many and the hopes and fears of universe.

it's when you're on the highway with your head resting on the window as you stare at all the signs that pass over you on the highway, you feel someting deep, deep in blue waiting for your pain to multiply.

i don't understand why things are this way, why i make them or you make them this way. why? it's not an interpretation, not all the time. it's not just in my head, it's outside of it also. if there's such a thing known as too much sensitivity, then i guess i'd be the queen of it all.

actually things have always been hard, it's just more magnified now.

there is me, then her, and her also.

2006-10-06T04:40:00.000-07:00

i want to be not here sometimes.

sometimes people make me realize that i'm ungrateful, and then five minutes later i could care less - because things won't add up.

i don't know what it is, but is there a fine line between 'giving in' being a form of selfless-ness or stupidity?

i think i am the most unoriginal girl i know.

everyday when i come home, things get more and more quiet and clear. no i don't have any peace of mind.

i've got rain in my hair, so yeah explain to me what's the point of all this?

chick flicks should cure my flu

2006-10-03T15:28:00.000-07:00

k is screaming at me to find middle ground. and s is calling me a hypocrite. and m...well haven't talked to her in a while.

perfect.

since my current state of existence is by all means pathetic these days,(all because of the Godforsaken flu) i decided i should treat myself. so the little sister and i went down to the dvd place and bought ourselves movies. i owe her $15 now. isn't that sad, having to owe your nine year old sister money.
there's something naturally sad about it.
oh yeah i bought elizabethtown and just like heaven.

oh shut up, everyone loves a chick flick.

naufal mamoo left me the cutest voicemail today.

ALSO ----> http://www.pakistanmuzik.net/ug43.html

- yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay :D

behind everything.

2006-10-01T17:30:00.000-07:00

behind closed doors, lights flicker every few seconds. eyes are watching, this starry night is watching, wanting to come in. waiting to see and wanting to know what you wish for, so that they can shine brighter or just hide behind dark clouds of fear and discontentment.

how is silver fading to black and then fading to nothing? it's on days like these i slowly start to realize that there is no peace in me, in my heart or in my soul. it was a small place, like a garden. with pink blossoms all around and floating in the air. the sun would shine through, everything that existed. and so much more, but i have no strength to describe it all. i'd break down.
where has that place gone? no i don't want to settle for it being there behind closed eyes, and dark nights. i want to find it in the light of day.

hey stranger, what's your story?

sedated and empty

2006-09-30T17:26:00.000-07:00

make it short and sweet, do not walk down the path of promises to keep. unoriginal little girl, oh dearest where are you going? no that is not the way, turn around walk five steps north, breathe in the west wind, and reflect yourself in the east sun. north light is consisent, always there, whether a little or alot.

what plays behind you is the truth, too bad you don't understand it. all this quiet is around you, is much needed.

current state of existence.

2006-09-29T10:46:00.000-07:00

flat broke, it rained when i didn't want it to.
when i cough i feel like the insides of my throat will burst bleeding. feverrrr, so very tired. not enough sleep. have i mentioned that i'm broke? that's going to last a while.

yeah, so this sucks.

since we're behind the trump hotel, there is a place there to sit and you can let your soul soak up some sun. i like it there.

yaar don't you hate it, when you sneeze and you feel like your head will explode. and to sneeze every 15 mins?

*must go break something*

sigh

2006-09-28T10:14:00.000-07:00

it's sad how these days body spray is the only thing can make me happy.
white tea by the healing garden is to die for.

the leaves are shimmering today, throwing off light, and sprinkling autumn all around. it's not a picture to show, it's a picture i keep. hidden from the world. simple chemical reactions aren't enough. simple things aren't enough, it takes much more to see, to know and to believe in.

today is a long day. long day indeed.

why?

2006-09-27T13:19:00.000-07:00

it should rain. it's grey outside. why won't it frikkin rain? i want this grey rain to fall. fall now.

rain already.

Tongue Tied

2006-09-26T12:16:00.000-07:00

(09/25/06)

this song is beautiful. the last 50 seconds of it make everything worse.

edit -

i have to attend this chronicle meeting in like another 20 minutes. i don't know what i'm going to do there, why did i even sign up? oh yeah for the pictures. khair, today i've decided to sit in the information hall which is white and grey and cold. its really cold. they have huge pictures of these grad students who are smiling and all that.

today is a weird day, for all the selfish reasons. sometimes you can write and mean nothing. i want to go to venice, vienna and tuscany in this lifetime, i want to see these places and many more.

after talking about different disabilities in class today, i've realized i have one also.

this can go both ways, but for now it's just going one way. i think pictures are blurry because they're too many lies wanting to become the truth. or maybe it's the other way around. these days i take too many blurry pictures and i don't know what it means.

its cold today. very cold. this cold is sadness.

hold on to whatever you find baby.

2006-09-25T08:04:00.000-07:00

it's cold morning, soft breezes and a little john mayer soul to walk to. it's clear day, too clear actually and the sun is out. it's pretty outside, pretty and cold. reminds me of australia. and i love john mayers new album.

I Don't Trust Myself (With Loving You).

No I'm not the man I used to be lately,
See you met me at an interesting time.
And If my past is any sign of your future,
You should be warned before i let you inside.

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with lovin you.

I will beg my way into your garden,
Then I'll break my way out when it rains,
Just to get back to the place where I started
So I can want you back all over again
(I don't really understand)

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with lovin you.

Who do you love?
Girl I see through, through your love.
Who do you love?
Me or the thought of me?
Me or the thought of me?

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with lovin you.

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with lovin you.
I don't trust myself with lovin you.
I don't trust myself with lovin you.
I don't trust myself with lovin you.

picture shortage

2006-09-21T08:06:00.000-07:00

everyday i go through all my folders of all these photographs i have taken since the beginning of time. well not really, i mean since the beginning of this new camera, which is now not so new. i cannot find anything anymore, i must go out and take pictures and not just of leaves and trees but of something else. sitting in sac i am thinking that since i have 27 minutes till my next class i should stop being lazy and go out and take pictures. and if anyone tries to be smart with me, ima scream at them. hanan thinks i'm abnormal to be hyper on an empty stomach, considering it was dead quiet in the train as people slept, read their newspapers and i was blabbling the whole time. i'm abnormal i get it. abnormal and happy.

now i'm thinking i want food - no wait, i need food. starbucks is not food it's a sorry expensive excuse for food. they should have dunkin donuts here. what a stupid campus. acha main ja rahi hoon.
bye.

8:51 am in the morning.

2006-09-20T05:55:00.000-07:00

so this commercial on tv is showing this woman who like lost an insane amount of weight and all that.

woman on tv: i feel so sexy

grandma: yeh sexy kaisay feel kiya jaata hai

me: *insane laughter*

mom: ammi aap kaisi baatain kar rahi hain.

my grandma is awesome. no seriously.