Tuesday, August 01, 2006
what if it never works out? then what?
in just three months all influences faded away, and i was someone else. i belonged to this lonely place now, spoke the language and thought differently. it's something i'm somewhat of proud of, but then i look back and miss the old self sometimes. and then also thank God that, that part of me has died or is dieing slowly and i'm so indifferent to it. the people i have left behind are still the same, and i want them to change, am i asking too much of them? yeah i am. it's so easy to be a selfish coward. you keep on telling me i've changed. yeah i'm the outsider now, see if i give fuck. its my job, in the end to become the outsider when i don't know how to take care of things your way. because that's how things have been, i'm always forced to run the fuck away. you think i wanted to leave? hell no i didn't. but i'm glad i did. i'm much happier, even if it's for a while.
when you've lived a life around people who treat you a certain way, know how to handle you or just know what it takes to take care of you, its hard to rely on yourself. its easy to welcome people with open arms and smiles and know how to keep them at an arms length, but then you find some people and you pray hard that they too know how to handle you, take care of you. and when they don't - you crawl back into your little space and watch the world pass by for a while. you watch, observe and then rise again, a little different from the last time you did. and make the same mistake again.
everyone wonders these days, what will college do to us? isn't uncertainty your bestfriend right now? we're all going to get down on our knees and hope we forever remain friends and never lose what we have. what's the inevitable? i'm sorry i can't hear you? this is just another one of those transitions, i've been doing this my whole life now, i should already get the hang of it. some people never learn.
i don't know how to do everything, and the things i do know of, you make me see so much wrong in them, unintentionally. you have this hold on me, and everything i say to you feeds my paranoia, later. it's paranoia i know, i'm still a little girl who will always be afraid. i know.
lovely disco papaya (you can find her on the sidebar) is writing beautiful thoughts about rain and home. today after a long time, i really wanted to leave everything and go home. a cute little voice told me that she missed me, and wished i come back soon. i want to go home, where things have changed and i cannot really fit in. i want it to rain and play with the people who make my life seem worth the while, who can make me smile while we jump in puddles of water and wear a mix and match of different clothes. i want my hair to smell of summer rain, and my hands to be all wrinkled by it.
we're all parting ways and walking away with heavy hearts secretly saying to each other 'i know you had to go away'.
3 Comments:
tiddy: dekko i am queen, i can be anything. don't be jealous. yeah man i will make it think food. but somethings are just weird. must vent.
lol @ tiddy.
*hugs* woman... it's all i can say on a public forum.
i enjoy your blog, just like your singing.
